A New Tool To Turn His Behavior Around
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If the man you love is not stepping up and behaving like the MAN you just KNOW he could be, and you’re afraid you’re wasting your time, energy and heart on him, it’s hard to know what to do.
Sometimes we focus on trying to understand why he’s acting the way he does, and if we really care, it’s hard not to make excuses for him and hope he’ll “grow up.”
The worst thing is to get to the point when all you can think to do is to leave, but then you beat yourself up because you don’t know if you did everything you could to make it work.
There’s another way to KNOW if your man is worth your time and love, and to make him feel compelled to bust through his fears and come closer to you - WITHOUT LEAVING HIM.
If you’ve ever felt totally “connected” to a man who’s behavior is confusing, frustrating, non-committal and painful to you, you’re not alone.
I remember being there - and I think most all of us women have been there at one time or another - completely “crazy” for a guy who’s just not acting like a good bet for a REAL relationship.
A guy who’s acting like sort of a “boy toy” where there’s amazing chemistry and fireworks and emotion - but he’s just not taking the relationship into the real world.
Where he feels like a great fit for you emotionally and sexually and every other way, but he just doesn’t fit into the picture you have for your LIFE.
It almost feels like you’re in a fantasy world.
I remember wishing I could just LIVE in that fantasy world, where MY EMOTIONS could carry the whole relationship, and I could just MAKE MYSELF be HAPPY with the crumbs I was getting.
I remember being frustrated with MYSELF because I just couldn’t make it work - I couldn’t get him to give me what I wanted.
And it doesn’t have to be like that.
I’m living proof that, no matter what your love life has looked like, or what it looks like now, or how many mistakes you’ve made in the past (I’ve made them all), you can pull all that chemistry and fantasy together and have it for yourself in REAL LIFE.
All you need is some Tools, some practice, and a bit of a spirit of adventure.
Here’s a letter from Elizabeth, who’s in a situation with a younger man - but you’ll see - it’s not about his “age”…
Dear Rori, PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!
My name is Elizabeth and my boyfriend is Joseph.We’ve been together since April, 2007. At first he was SO into me. He called and text me 3 to 4 times a day. He even sent me roses on Mother’s Day.
I am older than him, He’s 22 and I’m 29.I had a problem with age but he didn’t. Well, he convinced me of how mature he was and was so sweet. So I let my guard down.
And right away I noticed a change in the relationship. At the beginning of July, he told me he got scared of how close we had become because he finds it hard to trust, but that he had talked about it with some friends and he knows he can trust me and how much he loved me.
Well, he continued to call me everyday. I could tell something was different though. I only see him once a week because he works long hours through the week. Then he stopped making plans in advance and our time alone became time with us and his friends.
Then he broke up with me at the beginning of August. He said he didn’t have time and I deserved better. He is taking over a business and I know that he is very stressed out. Well, he sent me a message and broke up with me.
So,I sent him one back and told him that he should not tell someone that he loves them unless he means it. That I cared for him but he obviously didn’t care for me but I hope things get better for him and thanks for at least giving me some
kind of explanation.
Well, then he sent me a message back and said that he did love me and care for me and he wanted to get together and work on things. So told him to be sure of what he wanted before he called me. Well, he didn’t call.
He sent me a message once a week. Like “Do you hate me?” for 3 weeks
Then he accidentally saw me. I was out with my friends last week and he was there. We talked that night and now we are back together. He said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that I had no idea how much I meant to him.
He promised me that he would spend as much time with me as he could but I haven’t seen him since that night. He has sent me messages or called me everyday. Like “I love you, hope you’re having a good day,” but today is Sunday and he is off. Instead of calling me he text me for about an hour and hasn’t made any plans with me.
I am sure not to call or text him first and I’m not asking him to go out because I want him to chase me. I’m trying to work this the right way but I don’t know what else to do to. Could you please give some advice?? I love him and I want things to work. But I want him to want me like he did at first. Help, Elizabeth.”
***I instantly related to Elizabeth’s story because I once had a relationship with a 22 year old fellow when I was much older.
It was one of the most fun and rewarding and memorable times of my life, even though it ended in heartache.
However, the heartache ending was appropriate, because I NEVER could have had the fulfilling relationship with him that I have now with my husband.
And it wasn’t because he was so much younger, or even that he was “young.”
I know now that it wasn’t even because he just wasn’t able to communicate on a deep level, or that he was “too young” to commit.
We all know, from the celebrity relationship and marriage of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, that a relationship with many years difference can work out fine, and that even a 24 year-old guy (I believe that’s how old Ashton was when they got serious) can want the same things as a 40 year-old woman (Demi’s age), and be mature enough to make those things happen.
I also personally know of several brilliant marriages with this kind of age difference - the nurse in my doctor’s office was 44 and had 4 children when she married her 22 year-old boyfriend, and a therapist I know married her 24 year-old boyfriend when she was in her late 30’s.
So, like everything - it’s not about the “numbers.”
It’s about the ability of the man to DO a relationship, regardless of his age, whether he wants that relationship or not, and whether WE’RE the woman he wants to BE WITH enough to make that major commitment at such an early stage of his life.
At 22, my young “boyfriend” was just starting out his life as an adult, and I was totally and completely ready to be married and have children.
I was at a place in my life where I was done with “flings” and wanted a stable sort of grown-up man to be a life-long partner for me in REAL LIFE.
So, what I did was JUDGE his ability and desire to be in a relationship with me because of his “age,” and never really gave him a chance.
I filled in the empty places in our conversations, I gave him advice when he didn’t ask for it, I allowed myself to become so deeply attached to the “chemistry” in our relationship that I almost FORGOT what it was I WANTED for my LIFE, and I focused more and more on how to GET him.
And this is the one thing that NEVER WORKS.
The more I focused on him and how we could possibly have A REAL LIFE together, the more he drifted away.
I always thought it was because he was so young, but now I know it was because I was - without even being aware of it - pushing him away.
On some level I didn’t really WANT him.
I wanted the “fling” but I didn’t want the “whole package.”
I didn’t want to be with a man who still had some “growing up” to do.
But I knew no other way to be with him than to put my whole self into it, try to make it REAL and life-long, and HELP him “grow up.”
I didn’t want him just the way he was.
I wanted him the way I THOUGHT he SOMEDAY would be.
I wanted him already “grown up.”
My husband was not completely professionally settled when we met, either (and he’s younger than I am, too), but he seemed to truly UNDERSTAND what a relationship with me would be like, what he’d have to do to have that relationship with me, and he KNEW he WANTED it all.
And THAT was the difference.
Once we can see clearly if a man really IS ABLE to do a serious relationship, and that he WANTS to do it, then the hardest question of all to deal with is whether or not it’s US he wants.
Some of that we can control - our part of speaking to him and being with him in a way that attracts him deeply. And some of it we can’t.
I pushed away that first young man because somewhere inside me I knew he wasn’t right for me, and that he wasn’t on the same Life Page I was on.
I knew, in a place I wasn’t aware of, that he was too emotionally closed off to truly make me happy in the long run - in REAL LIFE.
But still, It felt awful.
That sense of urgency I felt - that I had to MAKE it happen - made me feel terrible inside
I know now that being able to stay calm, happy and peaceful - no matter what your man is doing or how the relationship looks right now - can make a HUGE difference in how the relationship goes.
My Heart Connection Toolkit CD set can lower your sense of urgency and help you with the fears we ALL feel in a relationship with a man we really care for.
A relationship is supposed to be effortless.
I know that sounds like the complete opposite of everything we’ve always heard - that you have to “work” at a relationship.
But it’s just not true.
Relationships themselves are supposed to be easy, effortless, and make us feel BETTER than we would without the relationship.
Like our lives are easier and happier.
Sometimes “logistics” take work - where to go, what to do, how to get the housework done and fit busy schedules together.
Sometimes, no matter how “connected” we are in the relationship, there are differences of opinion and style that have to be negotiated.
Just like in a business.
But the You and Me part is supposed to be easy.
And for some reason, this “easiness” is the HARDEST thing we women can accept.
We are all so accomplished and thoughtful and willing to work hard for what we want.
Only all that energy put into a man doesn’t work.
In fact, it works totally against us.
The overwhelmingly top relationship priority for a man is to be with a woman who makes his life BETTER.
He wants HIS love relationship to be EFFORTLESS.
That means: Easier, more fun, happier, healthier, more exciting, more emotionally fulfilling, deeper.
That also means making him FEEL good about HIMSELF, even when he’s down.
You can see that there’s nothing in there about “Looks” or “Personality” or anything we women tend to focus on.
So, here are the two things that create that easy, fun, healthy, exciting, deep connection for
him:
One - YOU are emotionally, physically, psychologically healthy.
That means: You know who you are, like yourself - in fact, Love Yourself - and have a fulfilling life without him.
The OPPOSITE of that would be getting the feeling from you that he’s CRUCIAL to your survival, that you’re desperate for him, that you’re emotionally incomplete and need him to complete you.
And Two - That you LOVE him.
Showing love for a man without coming across as needy is the delicate balancing act we women must learn to do.
It means feeling secure within ourselves, with our focus securely on OURSELVES, and yet opening our heart COMPLETELY to him.
It means being totally vulnerable while, at the same time, being totally strong.
And as hard as this sounds, it’s not.
That’s what all my Tools are about - creating this fantastic balance for yourself, bit-by-bit, baby-step-by-baby-step, Tool-by-Tool.
So here’s a new Tool: EFFORTLESS
1. START BY LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM, wherever you are.
2. CATCH YOUR THOUGHTS that are going through your mind.
If you’re in the kitchen, the thought might be “gotta clean up the dishes,” if you’re in the bedroom, it could be “I wish my man was here,” if you’re at work, it could be “Oh, look at that stack of papers on my desk!”
3. NOW, CATCH YOUR FEELINGS.
You may have felt your body sort of JUMP.
You may have felt a sinking feeling, or maybe even a happy feeling if you’re looking at a favorite piece of jewelry or a stack of papers on your desk that are finished and ready to go out.
4. NOW, CATCH YOUR URGE TO DO SOMETHING.
Can you feel your shoulders go up, your heart Mjump forward?
Perhaps you feel your legs start to carry you across the room to ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING.
Or, if it’s a sinking feeling, perhaps your legs want to carry you AWAY from where you are - to something that will distract you.
5. NOW, STAND PERFECTLY STILL. DON’T MOVE.
6. NOW, SAY TO YOURSELF - “Yes! I can DO something!” (But DON’T MOVE.)
7. NOW, SAY TO YOURSELF - “But right this moment I don’t have to do anything.”
8. SAY IT AGAIN - “I DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.”
9. NOW ROCK YOURSELF, BACK AND FORTH.
Rock slowly and easily, imagining yourself secured to the floor.
Bend your knees a bit, until you feel easily balanced over your feet, as though no bones or muscles in your body need to hold you up.
Breathe slowly, in and out, take your time.
10.NOW, SAY, OUT LOUD IF YOU CAN, “THIS IS EFFORTLESS.”
Release your pelvis. Imagine you weigh practically nothing, and you’re just standing there balanced over your feet.
And that’s it!
Try this often throughout the day.
Tell yourself things are “Effortless.”
When you’re with your man, tell yourself that the relationship is Effortless.
Putting my Tools together is effortless.
You can pull them out of a hat, in any order, and they’ll work.
Right there, on the spot.
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