Getting a Man To Commit

Tired Of Waiting For Him To Commit? Try This…

Have you ever found yourself WAITING around for a man?

Waiting for him to call, waiting for him to say he loves you, waiting for him to book you up on a Saturday night, waiting for a lifetime commitment?

If you’ve ever felt desperate at that moment, absolutely helpless, you’re not alone.

Some of us have waited evenings, watching television and hoping a man would call.

Some of us have waited years for the engagement ring to show up.

So, how long is too long to wait for acommitment from a man?

In the relationships I had that lasted more than a few dates or a few months, I remember waiting more than a year, only to learn there was no “real” relationship to begin with.

I remember hearing a man say things like “I’m not ready,” and just ignoring the words I was hearing.

I don’t much want to remember the nights when he never called, the weekends when I knew he was with “old friends” who I was sure were women he’d once been with.

I don’t want to remember wondering why exactly I was waiting for him, but I do.

I remember pushing those doubts and thoughts right out of my head.

I remember feeling so tied to him emotionally, sexually, chemically and every other way that I made excuses for him.

And I remember that I wasn’t the only one I knew waiting around for a man.

I remember my close girlfriend waiting two years for a man she was with.

I remember another girlfriend waiting eight years.

None of us got those men we were waiting for, but later, all of us found good men and married them easily, without ever waiting for them at all!

On the other side, I have a friend who stayed with her man for 5 years before he proposed. She got her man, and she’s very happy.

So what makes the difference?

How do you know whether to wait and hope or leave and start fresh?

Here’s a letter from “Jennie”:

“Dear Rori, I have been in a relationship for over 7 yrs. and have read many books, but it’s yourbook that has helped me the most. I have been trying to get my boyfriend to move ahead some in our relationship.

I am committed to this man and this relationship, but at times I feel he is the one who has one foot in and one foot out. I have been slowly adding in your tools, and I have seen a change and your tools have worked for me. The Leanback works great and worked right away.

But, I’m wanting a full commitment from him, and I’m unsure how to go about it. We have talked in the past but I feel I am the only one who wants it, I am the only one pushing for it, so I have been working with your tools to change how I approach all this…

Is there a faster way to a commitment? And if so, what can I work on to get him to move forward in
our relationship? Please help me – 7 yrs is along time! Jennie”

***Dear Jennie, You don’t say whether you are living together, or if marriage has ever come up. So I’ll answer this in general terms.

Relationships move forward. They move along down the road – from dating to exclusivity, to engagement, to marriage.

If they don’t move forward, they stall.

At seven years, you are stalled.

My guess is, he doesn’t want to lose you. But the question I have for you is – if he can’t or won’t commit, will you leave?

Before you can speak from your heart at all, before you can even talk about commitment with him, you have to at least be able to talk to yourself about it.

You don’t have to leave, but you have to BE ABLE TO.

And then – you have not just one choice, or two – but you have many, many choices.

All of a sudden, you can MAKE choices.

You’ll stop feeling helpless and desperate and angry, and start feeling powerful. Which you are Very powerful.

This is what my friend who stayed with her man 5 years before he proposed was able to do.

She was able to be with him, and still stay open to other men and the things that were important to her. Things that had nothing to do with men.

She felt so comfortable with herself and her life that, even though she loved him and he KNEW she loved him, she never gave off that feeling of desperation.

He just, finally, realized he wanted to love a woman and be loved by a woman, and he finally realized that it was her.

He always knew it was her – he just needed to take his time.

She never got angry.

She never got suspicious or distrustful.

Because she knew she was making the choice to be with him.

And when she felt too intensely, or sad, or upset, she stepped back enough to get her bearings and see if she wanted to choose to be with him even one more day.

You can do it, too.

Even if you’ve felt, or you’re feeling now, helpless because you love him, you can do this.

We’re talking here about the Rori Raye Third Way – and how you can stay in a relationship as long as you’re able to leave!

SO, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE AND WHEN TO STAY?

The answer to that is in your feelings.

It’s about what you want and how what he’s offering fits into what you want.

It’s about making a choice to be at the mercy of one man, or to have your choice of men.

It’s about making a choice to put your life on hold and “wait” for him as long as he wants you to, or to take your life in your own hands and “date” him for as long as YOU want.

Because, one thing’s for sure: When you’re “waiting,” the choice you’re making is to NOT make a choice.

Your choice is to give up your choices.

When you “wait,” you’re letting HIM choose how YOUR life goes.

You’re putting your life in HIS hands.

You’re saying you have no options but to wait.

And it’s not his fault.

He’s not doing anything wrong, he’s just doing what he feels like doing.

He isn’t thinking about your future, or what’s good for you.

He figures that you, just like him, are where you are because that’s where you want to be.

He figures that if you’re waiting around for him, you’re doing it because that’s all you have going.

I used to blameĀ  my “boyfriend” for “leading me on.”

But it wasn’t his fault.

He might have been taking advantage of my “waiting,” but, he didn’t even see it as taking advantage.

He just saw me doing what I wanted to do, just like he was.

He wasn’t about to take responsibility for my feelings.

“After all,” he thought, “she’s a grown-up.”

And after all, he wasn’t out-and-out lying to me.

He thought I was waiting because I wanted to wait.

But that wasn’t what it felt like to me.

To me, I never saw that I had a choice.

Have you ever felt that?

Like you’re at the mercy of your feelings for him, and then at the mercy of your feelings of helplessness and anger?

And it just doesn’t have to be that way.

Just looking at a man’s point of view – doesn’t it make you want to scream at him – “Can’t you see I’m sick of waiting for you?”

Even though we know he’d just stare at us, puzzled. “What?” he’d say.

“I told you I wasn’t ready – this was YOUR decision,” he’d say.

And all we can do is stare back.

We know he’s right.

And we hate him for it.

And we still don’t know what to do.

“Give him time,” is what everybody says to us.

Friends, family.

And some say “Dump him right now.”

And it sounds like good advice, but how do we just ….leave?

After all the time we’ve invested?

The weird thing is, sometimes we get totally invested right off. Even after just a date or two.

Ever happen to you?

Where you know instantly that “he’s” the one?

And then we just hang on, convinced that we can convince him to know it, too?

The thing is, men often DO know when they’ve met their “one.” (Even though it’s often hard for us to tell by the way they act and talk, and sometimes it scares us off just to think it might be true.)

And that’s just one more reason why “waiting” is such a bad idea.

If we just hang around, waiting when a man is stalled – he just loses interest in us, bit by bit, day by day.

How can that be?

It’s so unfair, because we’re TAUGHT to be patient.

We’re taught to be understanding.

We’re taught to know that men need “time” and “space.”

When, really, giving a man “time” and “space” while we “wait patiently” for him is like shoving him out the door.

It’s like putting a sign around our neck that says: “I’m waiting for YOU.”

We close down our hearts to all other men.

We spend our time thinking about HIM.

We WAIT.

The problem with waiting is not what it does to him – though it affects him about as negatively as anything we can possibly do.

The problem is what it does to US.

Waiting says to the world: My life is on hold for this man.

It says to the world: I don’t think much of myself, I have nothing worthwhile to do, there are no men who are interested in me besides this one, so I’m waiting for HIM.

And what that looks like to the world, and to HIM, is a lack of self-esteem.

It looks like insecurity and neediness.

So – how do you wait a reasonable length of time for a man to make up his mind about you without looking like you’re waiting?

The simple answer is: You don’t wait.

Not ever.

Okay – is it shocking to you, this idea of never waiting for a man?

Does it seem impossible?

Does it seem hard to figure out?

When you’re first trying anything, it feels a bit strange.

Changing anything about the way you think or speak will feel strange at first.

But, it’s not hard.

And once you try it, you’ll feel so much stronger and you’ll get such stunning results with the man you want, it’ll feel easier than anything you’ve ever done before.

So, if you aren’t waiting…

HOW DO YOU STAY WITH THE RELATIONSHIP IN CASE IT ACTUALLY DOES GO SOMEWHERE?

There’s a way to do it..

There’s a way to let a man know you’re looking for a commitment and still give him time to commit, without waiting.

Sounds impossible, doesn’t it?

But it’s not.

Because waiting isn’t about time, it’s about what you DO with that time.

“Waiting” is putting your life on hold.

But, letting a man take as much time as he wants to make a decision about what he wants in the relationship doesn’t have to be about putting your life on hold!

SO, HOW DO YOU WAIT WITHOUT WAITING?

How do you handle it when a man really does need more “time”?

First – here are some things to NOT do:

Don’t PRETEND you’re busy, unavailable or that you don’t care.

Pretending will work completely the OPPOSITE of how you want it to work.

Instead, you have to BE busy and unavailable.

And you have to CARE.

And the person you have to care about most is YOU.

This means, you care how you live your life.

You care if you have fun or not.

You care if dates get broken, if he doesn’t get to you in time for a weekend date, or takes you for granted.

And you care that if you open your heart to him, he treats it very, very well.

To do this, use my Tools:

Date other men, or at least Date Yourself.

Touch Objects.

Make up some rules and boundaries for yourself, and learn to speak to him from your heart.

Practice saying to yourself what it is you want and don’t want: For instance, that you don’t want to be a “girlfriend” much longer, that because you desire to be married, you’d appreciate knowing what he sees ahead for you, and that you don’t want to close down all your options while he’s taking all the time he needs.

Basically, that you will never put your life on hold for any man, and that you are not a woman who “Waits.”

You are a woman who “Lives.”

21 Responses to “Getting a Man To Commit”

  • nichole says:

    excellent advice. Thank you

  • charlotte says:

    awesome ,,, i really would like some more advice

  • Cindy says:

    I’ve never read an article that could so clearly explain what I’m going through. What I’ve been through the last 3 years of my life. You are so right. I shouldn’t be putting my life on hold. I shouldn’t be a woman who waits. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart for this great advice.

  • sam says:

    I have a relationship for almost 5 yrs of my life..then sad to say I was the only one who fight for this relationship to move forward to engagement, to marriage..then I decided to leave and that time I found a person who loves me very much and treasure me as his girlfriend. We’re almost 8months but September will be our engagement..

    I really really love your advice..

  • Sldclove says:

    I have been doing the same thing. Sitting around waiting & turning down dates. We have been seeing each other for about 8 months.. I have tried several times to leave him, but every time I do. He calls and text telling me he loves me and hd knows that I’m the one. But he makes no effort after that to prove it to me!!! I’m really wanting to call it quits and walk away, but I do love him. Part of mr believes that he really loves me.. I’m so confused !!!

    • deb says:

      girl, i did this for 21 years.. the problem is you, not him., once you work on yourself and ‘fix’ yourself, you will no longer want a man who is like this.. trust!

    • Robin says:

      I am going through the same thing – my partner didn’t want a committment and then met another who he ended up being intimate with and apologized, feels horrible, but is not sure how to tell this person goodbye – somehow there are connections to others and it’s political – meanwhile, I hear “you are the only one I’ve loved” “I know there’s a future for us”. I’ve been dating other men for about two months now – no serious matches – but my self-esteem is up. I speak to my ex-partner occasionally, and he wants to see me in a few days – I will see him (curious and still have love for him) but don’t truly want him the way he currently is – my boundaries and wants have been shared. I’ll continue my pursuit of a good man. The intimacy questions is “If my ex is with another, and I shouldn’t wait and should be dating others, then what do we do about the intimacy?”

  • tarah says:

    ok, you said date other men or date yourself, how do i do that. how do i make myself buzy and still show i care and want a serious relationship with him and only him? i could never be with another man intimatly. how do i get him to realize that im not waiting? my guy is very scared of being controlled…. we’ve all had bad relationships but his was bad. i do have low self asteem on top of this.???

  • honey says:

    Hi all,
    I am also finding myself at a crossroads and finding it so hard to move on. We’ve been going out for 12 years, and engaged for 6 years. The main reason for not getting married was that he was still studying. We moved in together 4 years ago, and last year he completed his studies. He moved out to go work in his country, for bursary obligations. Financially I carried the heavy load of supporting us both, and he never saw the need to save. I tried talking to him about his spending habbits, and that it is standing in the way of our getting married, but he is very head strong, and saw it as “that i am controlling”. Meanwhile his family was just adding to the pressure by stating that I cannot force him to do somehting that he does not want to, and that we are not married so I cannot say anything about his money. This went on for years, and along the bad fights there were goods times too. I thought we were building a life together, but now, when I confronted him because i want to know where I stand, he said he cannot offer me anything, and that he does not know why he has not reached the point of commitment yet. He said that he needs time, and that I should leave if I do not want to be with him. So how do I just leave it, when I invested so much money, I even had to pay for his university fees last year, because he was taking so long, even the bursary did not want to pay anymore. It seems that now that he is a doctor, and things are going his way, he wants nothing to do with me, and now he is living with his parents, and they just spoil him rotten, so that he does not leave to live on his own. I am so hurt and humiliated. I feel taht I cannot hold my head high, as I have been living with a man so long, and he does not want to commit. All my friends are married with children already and their lives progressed. It is just my life that was stalled, and will be if i dont stop it. I really love him, and hopes and prays that he will take responsibility and man up. I find myself sometimes not wanting to do anything or go out, I have very little friends, and the few I have is just so fed up with the situation. Men are just so stupid, and im finding myself thinking why it is like this…

  • engie says:

    Fantastic! Bravo.

  • Really nice post. Great advice. I posted it up on my blog in case any other girls just like me need some advice…… Thank you :)

  • Nikki says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we’ve discussed the future. He started off saying he’ll get married in 3 years but now recently he says he might have to add another year because he’s not ready. I’m ready and I’m not asking for marriage at least get engaged so I know we going somewhere. What if 4 yrs pass and he justs delays it. I’m not getting younger and I might not meet another person. Thanks for the aadvice. I’m going to try it

  • Candy says:

    WOW!!! I am also going through this in my 4 year relationship… For a long time I felt it was a financial situation why further commitment wasn’t taking place, now that is no longer the case and sill nothing. I have dedicated my life to be with him not a lot of friends because I’ve moved, so now I feel all I have is him. I have become needy and WAITING which I can tell is pushing him away. How do I keep busy and live my own life without pushing him away more??

  • Sneeya says:

    So beautiful those words.. and the pauses n spaces feel like you were actually sitting in front of me and explaining me so subtly, softly n lovingly.
    Felt real damn good to read this. I was bothered about something and you have made me feel light.

    Thank you and God Bless you..

    :)

  • missm says:

    wow what a revelation amazing advice
    I too have been with someone a little over 3 years it took him this time to let me know his feelings…now I have been very clear of what I want in a relationship and relationships need to progress otherwise you get frustrated. I had a talk with him last night asking where is this going his response was simply “this is global commitment and I am working on it however it is scary to me” so I will live my life and carry on leaving myself open to other opportunities if they arise and ask the universe to open other doors for me as this door is almost closed and will never open because of who he is,,,Ladies do not wait he is not waiting for you,,,

  • Andy says:

    Terrific artcle, with excellent advice. Most of us girls have an idea that we need to keep TALKING to our guy:blah,blah,blah and somehow this will make them move. I’m not saying we should play games or stop communicating but maybe we should take a tip from their playbook – take care of yourself 1st then everything will fall into place.

  • Samantha says:

    Hi everyone,
    This recently happened to me with my guy of 3 years. I broke it off with him multiple times because he wouldn’t commit to anything more with us every time. I had to completely let him go (no contact) because I knew that I wasn’t strong enough to date him and other men. My head and heart would be with him and I felt he’d know that I was only dating to “get back at him” or to “show him”.

    I’m glad I made this decision. Initially, it was the toughest thing to do. Leave him cold turkey then begin to date other men. OMG!!! How difficult!! But I did it and I am enjoying it. It’s been a few months since I broke it off with him.
    He’s contacted me many many times wanting to “hang out” but I refused to respond to any of his communications. That ‘s how he usually lured me back in. I always hung out with him because I missed him.
    After his many attempts to contact me with no response I finally sent him an email giving him the Rori Raye “speech”. telling him how I felt and that he could take all of the time he needed to decide what he wanted, etc. It was a very short email.

    He emailed me stating that he thought we would’ve gotten back together like all of the other times by now. He told me that he had his own hang ups and needed to think about us and our future. I never responded back to that email.

    If I never hear from him again I’m ok with that. I’m dating now and meeting amazing men. I just want to tell you women who are struggling with their men. It Does Get Better. Just get back on the dating scene and you’ll see.

  • anya says:

    I have been feeling down and depressed lately because things with my long term guy have stalled and inside i know i have been putting off a large part of my life waiting on him to ‘get his life together’. I was very inspired reading this post because it speaks to my situation so accurately it makes me feel a small comfort knowing I am not alone in what I feel or I have put myself through. I know its time for me to take control of my life and live it for myself. Sure I hope he will be around down the line, but im tired of waiting for him to do the things i want to do. Time for me to make my life happen now before its over.

    Thanks for the post it really made my day.

  • joy abanto says:

    hi everyone,

    reading this enlightened me some how,i just really dont know what to do because yeah i like him so much,the thing is from the very beggining he already told me that he dont see him self engaging in a commitment,rather building a family on his own,coz according to him he dont see the sense of engaging him self into a relationship. how would i deal with this? he is satisfied for just a date, and according to him if am lookin for a relationship,he told me to stop coz hes not into it.

  • annabel jones says:

    Great post. I have been with my partner for 6 years and have been ‘waiting’ for the proposal for three! (I am 31, he 38, so not getting any younger). He knows how I feel about marriage but he just says/thinks it is a waste of money, which hurts me so much. I’ m not too sure whether this is even just an excuse. I see other people so happy and I am not. So its time to take control of my like and start giving myself credit for the happy and vivacious person I am. Its time to open up myself to more possibilities and stop waiting around for him to pop the question! Thanks for a very inspiring read x

  • Amelie Brookes says:

    Wow! Just the article I needed! I am feeling so “lost” at the moment, not knowing what I should do. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years, he has lived with me for about 6.5 years and still no real sign of commitment i.e. engagement, talk of marriage, children etc. unless that is, I bring up the subject! I tried to talk about children last night, as I’m 36 now and of course, time is ticking by … he didn’t want to talk about it then so I said when … we decided on this weekend, and I told him I would let him bring the subject up … but, in my heart of hearts, I know he won’t bring up the subject, and I will feel extremely hurt and annoyed inside! … I really don’t know what to do for the best … any advice would be greatly appreciated … I’m getting to the stage now where I am thinking “have I waited too long”? … please help :-)


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