What To Do If He’s Making You Jealous…
If you’re suffering with your fear of losing your man, you’re not alone.
***Here’s a letter from “Upset,” who’s incredibly frustrated with her boyfriend:
Dear Rori, I read your e-mails all of the time and now I have a real problem. I have been with my boyfriend for just about 7 months now, but I have known him for 4 years.
When I met him he had a girlfriend and I was in a serious relationship. But now we live together and his ex keeps calling him, and I get so mad about it and I don’t know that I should, I mean they were dating for 3 years, but at the same time I was dating my ex for 3 years and we don’t talk.
I worry that while I am at work she is at our house and I love him but I don’t know what to do.
I tell him how I feel and he knows that it really upsets me and every time I find out that he talks to her I get so angry and I tell him and he just tells me that he loves and there is nothing to worry about.
But I can’t help but feel the anger, and I get so upset about and I don’t know if I should just move out or if I should just give him a chance, I give him chances all the time and it seems to get me nowhere.
I love him but he just doesn’t understand and he tells me that I am over reacting, but one time my ex called me and told me something very important and he was furious that I even answered my phone.
I feel like his ex is just doing it to break us up and she has a boyfriend. And another thing is that we were at a friends house hanging out and he was outside smoking and his phone rang and it was her so I answered it and said to him here is your ex on the phone and she wants to talk to you right now.
And I threw the phone at him and he went in the bathroom and shut the door and then he went outside where nobody was at and talked to her for like 30 minutes and I asked what they talked about and he told me that they were talking about pictures that he found and she wanted them. And I said that doesn’t take 30 minutes to talk about. I feel like I don’t trust him anymore and I really do love him and I want this to work, but I don’t know what I can do to fix this mess.
Can you please help me? Kendall”
***Dear Kendall, your situation is not all yours, but you can be the one to stop this sabotaging, horrible-feeling, destructive thing you and your man have going on.
It sounds to me like your man is doing things to make you feel off balance that are NOT okay.
The question is not why are you jealous, but why are you tolerating being made to feel 2nd class? It’s completely unacceptable to talk to another woman for 30 minutes when you are at an event where you’re supposed to be together.
And yet, explaining how you feel to your man, and getting angry and upset are doing you NO GOOD.
You have to make a simple, basic decision. Your man has some kind of relationship with his ex.
It may not be much of anything.
But if it’s a deal-breaker for you, it’s a deal breaker.
If you don’t wish to share your man’s attention with any other woman (and I made this decision for myself long ago) then it’s something you simply require.
That means you just say, “You know, I don’t deal well with other women in the picture. I get very jealous and possessive. And I don’t like feeling that way, so I’m very careful to not get involved with a man who doesn’t feel the same way I do about that kind of thing.”
Since you’re already involved with this man, you have to decide not HOW you can CHANGE him, but whether or not you want to be WITH him if this is how he is.
That means you STEP BACK.
And then he decides what HE wants.
Either he’ll pull you back in and treat you the way you require, or he’ll have to find another woman who WILL tolerate that.
And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to tolerate that, and I don’t want you to, either.
And here’s the last question – what are you doing answering his phone?
It sounds to me like you are much too involved in allowing him to hurt you like this.
The fastest way to heal this situation for yourself is to focus on yourself, on raising your self-esteem and making some decisions about what it is you really want.
Focus on the big picture – on wanting the kind of relationship you want, instead of focusing all your attention and energy on this one man.
Either he’ll step up to the plate and become the kind of partner you truly want, or you will meet another, much more mature and better man, who’ll know how to treat a real woman.
Knowing how to do this requires some new skills and new attitudes.
There is a way to shift a man’s ideas about what he can and can’t do without losing you.
And trying to talk him into or out of ANYTHING is the LEAST effective thing you can do.
In fact, it NEVER WORKS.
It only makes your jealousy worse, your focus on him grow into a monster, your anger get stronger, and your self-esteem plunge into the toilet.
Here’s a letter from Andie, who’s struggling with all these issues:
“Dear Rori, I really loved your email regarding Karen and jealousy…but I have a question…my jealousy usually comes from the fear that my man will actually meet someone more suited to him than me, and it’s difficult for me to escape this unhealthy thought pattern.
Should I still practice what you advise, or is there anything else you think might help me with this aspect of my jealousy?
Regards and Gratitude – you are amazing! Andie”
Dear Andie, The reality is that we have no control over our man. If he should meet someone he is “better suited” to, then the way to go, though it sounds positively horrible, would be to “wish him well, knowing that there’s someone out there who’s ‘better suited’ to you, too.”
Awful as that possibility sounds, the bonus of working toward getting this attitude NOW is that, when you’ve got it – he can feel it.
And what he feels when you have an attitude of “whatever,” is totally ATTRACTED to you.
Why? Because when you have an attitude of “I love you and I KNOW you’ll NEVER find anyone more fantastic and perfect for you than me,” you just radiate confidence.
If we’re walking around with an attitude of FEAR, featuring worry that he’ll meet someone else, then we radiate neediness, desperation, and all other kinds of insecure vibes that make a man just move away from us.
That said, it’s easy to talk about changing the way you see things, but if you’ve already tried everything you know, then you might be feeling hopeless, too, like Andie.
Here’s a letter from “Grace”:
“Dear Rori, Jealousy is a serious issue for me,especially when you are dating a lot of different guys (or bridging if you will).
Jealous hits me in the moment and I am unable to continue with the conversation without going “cold.” If you have any additional tools to combat jealousy, please let me know as I could certainly use them. Grace”
And Here’s one from “Linda”:
“Dear Rori, I just read your e-mail on “Jealousy”. I hate feeling that way. I feel if the person I am with is talking to someone else, they are ignoring me. I don’t want the person I am with to be interested at all in someone else.
I am going to try and use your tools and let the feelings float. They will certainly be tested next weekend, we will be going to a function that one of my significant others ex’s will be there. She has told my significant other that she still has feelings.
I am going to try very hard to use the tools you suggested. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do. HELP!
Very Sincerely, Linda”
***There are many ways and Tools to get past this FEAR of losing your man – the fear that JEALOUSY is all about.
First, let’s go with the part that works with your MIND.
As Andie put it, your “unhealthy thought pattern.”
Trying to “control” your thoughts is a wonderful idea, it will help you tremendously and pay off in your relationship and in your life.
But it’s HOW you do it that makes it either an impossible challenge, like Andie is experiencing, or an easy, effortless, gliding from “unhealthy” thoughts to “good-feeling thoughts.”
So try it this way:
You already know what kind of thoughts you want – the ones that are good for you and that will make you feel powerful and sexy and smart and goddessey.
They’re thoughts like “I’m the most incredible, gorgeous, sexy, fantastic woman he’s ever, or will ever meet, and he absolutely can’t help himself, poor boy, he can’t help but love me and stay faithful to me forever.”
If you think thoughts like those, you will never fear another woman, right?
But – what happens when you think a thought like that? – Go ahead, try it.
If you’re like me, and most other women, the moment you think a thought like that you feel weird.
All kinds of other thoughts rush in – like “Who am I to think I’m so incredible?” and “I don’t believe what I just said,” and other nasty come-backs from the nasty Voice inside our heads.
Well, here’s how you deal with that.
You EXPECT the nasty Voice to show up!
That’s right. If you KNOW – and I promise you this is true – that every single time you think a thought that’s way higher up the scale of good feelings and how great you are, your nasty Voice will kick in.
That’s its job.
The job of your Nasty Voice is to put you down.
Now, what you do when it shows up, and it’s always going to, so don’t worry about it or try to prevent it from showing up, is to develop a new ATTITUDE toward your nasty Voice.
So, let’s try a few things:
One, you can try LAUGHING.
That would get you your sense of humor back, and that would help you, and Andie, tremendously.
When we get all caught up in worries like these, and get all serious, as if these awful things are going to happen in the next minute, we completely LOSE our sense of humor.
Say to yourself that you expected the Nasty Voice to show up, so you’re not really surprised, so what’s the big deal?
It’s like the kid at school who was always “sour grapes” and always trying to get something by any means necessary.
Tell yourself that YOU’RE the one in charge, and that Voice can just blow off for all you care.
Here’s another way: EMBRACE IT.
That would mean you recognize that the Voice is coming up out of FEAR, and so it’s just a little part of yourself (actually, the Little You part of yourself) showing up.
You can be compassionate towards that frightened Little You When you’re trying out new Tools and new ways of being with men and relating to them, you start to get a sense of things FLOWING.
You start to FEEL CREATIVE, and that you can handle your emotions and take good care of yourself.
And that you can find YOUR OWN BEST way to do things for yourself, almost effortlessly.
This is one of my simple (and sneaky) ways to help you raise your self-esteem so much higher and so quickly.
You begin to actually BELIEVE that you can do this – and you CAN.
So, if you’re finding yourself uncomfortable when another woman is anywhere near your man, even if it’s just your THOUGHT of that happening, let’s make these Tools work for you, and Andie, Grace and Linda, too..
First, when you feel yourself worrying that another woman is going to show up and take your man, start by RECOGNIZING that it’s a FEAR thought, that it’s coming from your Nasty, Worrying, Little Voice.
Then you shift into a different thought about being a Goddess, and brilliant, and gorgeous, and completely unconcerned about any other woman in the entire world, and FEEL how that feels (it’ll feel REALLY GOOD), if even for a moment.
Then, when the Nasty Voice shows up again and tries to hammer you down for considering yourself a Goddess beyond compare, you laugh, and embrace the Voice, and feel compassion for your frightened Little Self, and then TAKE CHARGE.
So, the last step is to make a choice.
This decision is to CHOOSE the thought that FEELS BEST out of everything you’ve felt.
(And you know it’s not going to be the “worrying” one.)
Whatever you’ve said to yourself that feels the best, you hang out with that thought as long as you can.
Even if it’s for 15 seconds.
The absolute truth of how your brain works is that if you can do this simple process every single time you go to the worrying “unhealthy” thoughts, and can allow yourself to feel GOOD with a good-feeling thought, for even a few seconds, your brain patterns will change!
It’s like “interrupting yourself.”
You interrupt that “unhealthy PATTERN” that feels BAD, and think SOMETHING ELSE that feels GOOD.
It’s re-training your brain.
And you can’t do it by pushing it, or working hard, or frustrating yourself, or beating yourself up.
The way to do it that works is to GENTLY shift your thoughts and FEEL your way through.
The FEELING part is the missing part of what most of us try to do when we want to change our emotions and thought patterns and behaviors and words that don’t work.
So try it this way, and let me know how it works for you.
I’d love to know how you’re doing, and look forward to hearing from you.